Disappointment

Do you all remember what it feels like to be disappointed? Not in others, though that's really bad, too, but disappointed in yourself? It's just a yucky feeling, a big old feeling of regret.

Today, I saw my little E be very disappointed in herself. I understood how she felt. I felt it when I was in 2nd grade and forgot about picture day, and took my picture in a red sweatsuit with unbrushed hair. I felt it when they had Annie auditions, and I chickened out of trying out. I felt it when I wrote out dozens of recipes for the Bham Junior League cookbook, and never got around to entering in any of them for a chance of publication. Disappointment. And it feels crappy.

But today, I realized, after holding a sobbing E, that witnessing my child be disappointed hurts even worse.

It was a simple thing: She had to bring a toy to school today to give to "baby Jesus." These toys were all going to a daycare of underpriveleged children. E picked out a fancy Barbie horse, all by herself. She was so excited. After I dropped her off to go to her class, I took the toy to the front desk at the preschool. Well, in all the excitement, E never connected with her gift. And had no gift to give to Jesus. As she cried and cried in the car this afternoon, I felt anger. Anger at myself, anger at her teacher for not recognizing what happened...it just makes me nauseous thinking that my little girl missed out on something special. And I want to fix it! But I also know that disappointment is part of life. Human beings are broken, weak, and let each other down. But as God told Paul , ..."My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (then Paul says)-Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.(2 Cor. 12:9-10)

Man, oh man, it's hard to delight in my own child's hardships. I want to fight for her, soothe her, make it all better. But that's not always my job. Sometimes, all I can do is hold her, and let her taste the bitter tears of her disappointment. Then maybe one day, she'll find her Saviour in her weakness. And perhaps hold her little girl one day, too.